2015 has been a very special and noteworthy year.
The patriots won yet another Super Bowl title, and coach Bill Belichick once again refused to smile for the occasion, instead opting for a simple grumpy moan and the words “Do your job.”
Quarterback Tom Brady was nearly suspended from play over a situation involving deflated balls, but the NFL was forced to reverse its decision when a mob of angry Bostonians threatened to dump thousands of dollars worth of tea into the local harbor.
2015 also marked the beginning of a new Presidential campaign with a plethora of hopefuls announcing their bids for the White House. Among them were billionaire Donald Trump, a cat named Limberbutt McCubbins, and “Deez Nuts.” (I am not making this up.)
Also among those vying for the Presidency this year were a group of balding old men claiming that the country is falling apart, the government is tearing at the seams, and the world we live in is on a collision course for disaster. These allegations of an impending apocalypse have yet to be verified.
This year was a big one for the movie industry as corporate executives raked in billions of dollars on the backs of CGI dinosaurs, comic book characters from the 1940s, and an aging Arnold Schwarzenegger reprising his role as a monosyllabic Eastern European robot.
Alejandro Gonzales Innaritu’s film Birdman won the Academy Award for Best Picture, becoming the fifth straight movie that no one has ever seen to win the coveted award. Some spectators have even the suggested that the film does not actually exist, instead hypothesizing that the Academy decided to give the award to the person with the most diverse sounding name that they could possibly find so people would stop calling them racists.
But the biggest movie of them all was of course Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens in which Sith Lord George Lucas passed down his knowledge of the dark side of the force to J.J. Abrams and the Disney Corporation which proceeded to use its Jedi mind-tricks on millions of unsuspecting Americans who immediately rushed to their computers to purchase as many advanced tickets and Star Wars merchandise products as they possibly could.
Actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson some how remained relevant in 2015.Nobody continued to care about major world events such as the TPP, the Iran nuclear deal, and the Paris Climate Conference, as Americans instead exerting all of their mental capacity in telling everyone how much they could not wait for Adele’s new album, and then proceeded to tell everyone how much they loved Adele’s new album.
Liquid water was found on Mars. The same could not be said for much of southern California as it suffered through its worst drought in decades. Restrictions were put on irrigation and residence of Beverley Hills were limited to five 20-minute showers a day.
This took a tole on much of the population.
ISIS continued to be a big problem in 2015, and while many things were said about what should be done about it, nothing that was suggested actually happened on account of the wide array and extremes of those suggestions; so every one just went back to listening to Adele.
Maybe we’ll figure something out next year. Maybe. The U.S.A’s Women’s Soccer Team won the world cup, while the women’s soccer teams of Saudi Arabia, Sudan, and Guatemala were promptly punished for going outside uncovered without a male relative present.
Nothing continued to happen in Congress, much to the surprise of nobody.
Angela Merkel was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for welcoming thousands of Syrian refugees and solving an impending debt crisis, while our own politicians continued to do the exact opposite. And finally, the world has collectively agreed to forgive Justin Bieber for his past mistakes and to allow him back into the realms of relevant pop culture on account of how amazing all his new songs are.
Yes, 2015 has been a very special and noteworthy year, just like every other year.